Strings: All You Need for a Happy Marriage

What's a happy marriage?

One day Josh was telling me that a friend of his confessed, "If it wasn't for the kids, I think we would have gotten divorced by now.", and I said, "Who wouldn't have?"  Josh smiled an all knowing smile and nodded his head in agreement.

Josh and I were high school sweethearts. We had an intense and passionate relationship.  I sometimes say when I'm trying to explain how I felt about him, that for a time, I really think Josh replaced Jesus as my savior.  I knew he was EVERYTHING, and that we were destined to be together forever.  I knew that nothing would ever make me question my choice in him or my devotion to him.  I knew that we were predestined, meant to be, the only two people on the planet to ever really be in love, and I knew that no one else understood this feeling.

On a Christmas morning the year after we graduated from high school, Josh proposed.  I knew this was the beginning of everything I'd ever wanted.  I also understood that there would be trouble.  All that, for better or worse jazz, I knew that we would face bad times, but I also knew that the all consuming love we felt for each other would get us through anything, and keep us "happy".

You see, I believed that any unhappiness would come from outside of ourselves.  I never suspected that either one of us would ever question our decision to be together.  I was wrong.

Now, you're worried, you think I'm going to announce my divorce.  Sit tight, I'm not.  I love Josh in a much deeper and more spiritual way than I ever loved him before,  because I have learned a lot about marriage in the last 17 years and 8 months.  And one thing I've learned is that sometimes the bad times come from within.  They come from you, they come from your spouse, and those can feel worse than the bad times that come from outside.   They might even make you question whether you should be together.

In my marriage, a marriage I would clearly define as a happy one, there have been countless times where the only thing keeping us together was our children, or our mortgage, or the business we own. There have been plenty of times when through tears I've thought, "What if we would have both been happier with someone else?  What would my life be like without him?  Should I leave?"  And I'm sure Josh has had the same conversations with himself.

At the end of these conversations, when we've made up, and we've told each other why we choose the other, and remind each other about how much love is between us, and all is right with the world, I look at him and know that I've made the right choice.  I know that we can indeed get through anything together.  I know that time and again, through all of these bad times, inflicted from outside or in, we end up choosing each other.  We will always end up choosing each other.  That's commitment folks.

For those days when my marriage is being held together by the string of my family, or my mortgage, or my business, I feel fortunate to have built this life with him, that keeps me connected to him. We've tied these strings to each other to keep us together when those times are tough, when like any human we wonder if we've made the right choice.  Sometimes those strings are tight, testing our ability to stay connected, and there are so many days when the strings between us are slack because we're holding onto one another.  Either way, they are strong.

I'm writing this blog post for Josh's friend, and so many others who never thought these worse moments in a marriage would come from inside the marriage.  The friends who've heard all these falsehoods about marriage and happiness.  The friends who think those questions they have about the solidity of their marriage are unique, and indicative of the end.

It's ok, if sometimes it's only the strings holding you together.  It's ok, if you're questioning whether you should have gotten married in the first place.  It's normal, and you can still have a happy marriage, as long as neither of you chooses to cut those ties that bind.  It's all your choice.  You can choose to weather the storm, letting those strings hold you to each other in an ocean that's trying to rip you apart, and if you grab onto that string and pull you'll soon be back in each other's arms.

Take heart and know that lots of happy marriages had moments when the only thing that tied them together was the the kids.