Parenting Done Hard

We live just a few blocks from downtown Boise, and the girls and I were walking to a coffee shop a few weeks ago when an older homeless woman stopped us and asked for money.  I had heard her spiel before and had given her a few bucks once.  I was about to thank her and move on because we didn't have any cash, but Nolie held fast to my hand and wanted to listen to the story.  The woman said something about having been in a car accident, and losing all of her property, and needing surgeries that had used up all her money.  I told her we didn't have any money and we walked away, but Nolie yelled back to her that she was sorry about her troubles, and then she was quiet for a few blocks.

I'm going to do a fundraiser for that lady, Mama, she said.

Oh, man, I hate these moments as a parent.  Because you know there are some big headaches coming, and it's just so hard to explain all of that.  So you're either headed toward an argument, or just saying no, or borrowing trouble.

But one thing I've learned is that, rather than give the lecture, it's best to just go with the flow.  So I listened to Nolie's plan and didn't tell her no.  Even though I was thinking:  how will we ever find that lady again.  What are you going to tell people about this lady.  What if she's not telling you the truth and you find out and then we have to talk about Humanity.

I didn't say any of that, though, because most of the time, when the kids have plans like this--like that they are going to buy a giraffe and charge their friends money to see it--I just let them go on about it and know they'll figure out on their own that it's not going to work out.

Nolie is persistent, though, and she didn't give up on this particular idea.  She came home and emptied out an old apple sauce jar, washed it out, and took it to school.  She pitched her classroom on donating to this lady, and then pitched her GATE classroom, and has pitched almost everyone we have met over the last month.  I notice that the spiel has become increasingly grim, with the lady's family dying in the crash and her having a broken leg and stuff, and I don't think that was in the original story, but now I'm not sure anymore, either.

Based on the spiel, though, all of Nolie's classmates brought some change in, and her teachers threw money in the jar, too.  Nolie is galvanized by this response.  She continues to collect more money.  She totals it up almost every day.  My stepdad, who was over for dinner the other night and is somewhat cynical about this kind of thing, heard Nolie's spiel and told her the homeless woman was probably lying to her.  We talked about how we decided this didn't really matter but we were supporting Nolie anyway, and then he threw five bucks in the kitty, which says a lot of good things about his character, if you ask me.

All told, she collected forty bucks.  Not bad.

But so now Nolie has been nagging me for a few weeks to go and find the lady, and ugh, I'm dreading this part.  Nolie has her little ziplock with all these single dollar bills and quarters, and we're walking around downtown, past the church where we met the lady, just hoping we'll run into her, which is a pretty ridiculous plan.  We find this guy,

the only guy who is outside the church on Easter Sunday rather than inside, and we explain the problem to him.  He is super kind, and gives some good ideas, like coming to their homeless lunch (three weeks from now) and trying the library, where he tracked down a homeless guy himself once.

Nolie was bummed.  She really had in her mind we'd just find the lady waiting there for us.  She really wants to be the person who presents this lady with the money.  Who doesn't think this, in some form, at some point?  Who doesn't have the hero fantasy?

We moved on and got to the end of 8th street, and there was a homeless kid that I'd seen on this one corner--it's kind of his perch--and we go and ask him about the lady.  He knows who it is immediately, but looks at Nolie and tells her the lady is lying, she wasn't in an accident, she was "just another homeless, like me."

I could tell he wanted us to just give him the money, and the thought crossed both my mind and Nolie's.  But we just thanked him and started home.  I didn't ask him if I could take his picture, and I didn't push her to make a decision right then.

Nolie was quiet on the way home, again.

I feel kind of cheated, she said.

I nodded and said, yeah.  But it doesn't change the fact that you're trying to do something helpful, and it might not change the fact that she asked us for money and probably needs it.  Still, I said, you could probably decide to donate this money to a homeless shelter instead, if you wanted.

Or I could give it back to everyone who donated, she said.

Yep, I said.

But that doesn't sound right, either, she said.

Right, I said.

Anyway, there's no good ending to this story, yet.  Nolie's going to think about it for a while, and we'll try again to find the lady.  The whole thing has been kind of a pain in the ass, to be honest, and is why I didn't want to let her collect the money in the first place.  I don't have clear answers for her about the right thing to do in this moment, and also have to trust her to make a good decision, and then support her doing it as best I can.

On the other hand, it's got her thinking, doesn't it?  She has to think about who she wants to be in the face of uncertainty, and how to act when the other person's character or intentions aren't clear.  And isn't that a good experience to have?