The Laaaaast Womaaaaan on Eaaaarth!!!

Oh you guys.  I haven't shown up here in a long while, on the blog.

Because I've been writing two books.

At the same time.

And they are both due to the publishers any minute.

I've been spending almost all of my work hours hunched over my computer making sentences, fixing them, fixing them again, checking references, looking things up, feeling all squinchy and focused.  I get home from the office and am barely able to form sentences.  My children seem like aliens, my husband a stranger.  It takes me an hour just to resume human form, to reconnect to a life lived off the page.

I feel like I am in a dark cave.  It's cozy in here, and deeply fulfilling--even joyful--in a lot of ways.  I'm proud of myself, and my co-authors, and the work.  But really I am in here by myself, in the dark, until these things are done.   Mornings:  coffee, work out, sit butt in chair, write.  And at the end of the day, all I have energy for is to take the dogs for a walk, watch an episode of Mad Men, and pass out into the deepest sleeps I've ever had.

Occasionally I take a peek at what you guys are doing on Facebook and notice that big, important things are happening, and also sweet, small things, and then I quickly close the browser because my brain cannot even be in that space right now.  There is no bandwidth left for imagining what other people are doing, or commiserating, or connecting, or keeping up.  I know it's summer and I know we have taken trips and will take more, and that we have friends, and interests, and that something called "boredom" exists somewhere, and that someday life will resume, but I can't remember anything other than sitting in front of this screen, and I can't imagine anything beyond it, either.

It's possible I'll come out of the cave and you'll all be gone.  The whole world will have been a dream, and the only real thing the words I tapped, tapped, tapped out on this laptop.  I'll be the last woman standing, and all that will be left for me to read is my own two books.

Lord, I hope not.  I hope you'll all remember who I am when I come back.  Please keep an eye out for me.

So I haven't been writing here, because I've been writing there.  I've used up all my words.  And I'm not living any interesting stories to tell, anyway.

But I'll come back.  I'm almost done.

Look out.

How To Ruin Your Child's Best Day

Yelling is bad.  I know this.

Two days ago, Grace was sitting at the breakfast counter in the kitchen after school.  She said, "Oh Mom, last week on Thursday when I was home sick.  I got an IB award.  Mr. _______ gave it to me today."

I kind of knew what an IB award was.  I knew that the school gave out these "I see IB" acknowledgements when they caught kids having behaviors consistent with the school's desired attitudes and attributes.  You know, stuff like, "You were really open minded when you listened to that other point of view".

I asked her "Which teacher gave you the award?"  Mildly annoyed, she curtly replied, "All of them."  I said, "Oh.  What attribute was it for?"  Completely exasperated, she snipped, "ALL OF THEM."  My response, "So... this award is from all the teachers? and for -"  She interrupts, "Yes, Mom." with a, for crying out loud, how slow can you possibly be, tone.  This was the fly that landed on my crap pile of a day.  A day in which I had a fruitless two hour conversation with an unsatisfied client, a day where, because the business was down two employees, I had to turn down multiple clients, a day where Josh wasn't coming home until 8 or 9 pm, after a 14 hour work day, a day where I was stressed out about completing all the end of school year projects, just days away, a moment where, I was trying to make dinner, help another child with their homework and direct children on animal care. And I snapped.

I started screaming about how I was a loving parent, who just happened to be interested in what was going on in her life, and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that (shit), and that I already had been treated like that (shit) by multiple strangers that I didn't love.  (Yes, I said, "shit"), and on, and on I went in my self serving, I'm justified way.

Then she went upstairs and cried.  Then I yelled at all three of them about how I had to clean up all their messes, then Grace said kindly "Mom, should you take some time to cool down?", then I yelled "I AM COOLED DOWN!", then I yelled at Grace, "I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU.  I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!"  then she cried, then I nastily said, "Now you feel justified" because I knew my yelling was wrong, and I knew she knew my yelling was wrong, but I still felt justified, then she said, "No I don't. You have no idea how I feel", then I realized, I was not justified, I was an asshole, and I said, "You're absolutely right.  I'm sorry"

I went outside breathed in the fresh air, took a moment, felt my shame, and walked back into the house renewed.  I got down on my knees in front of Grace on the couch, and I said, with love and repentance, "I am so sorry I did that.  You did not deserve me yelling at you, and I'm sorry I ruined your good news.  I love you so much, and I'm not one bit surprised that you got that award, you're an amazing kid."  She said she needed a minute and went upstairs.

When she came down we talked it out more.  I did more apologizing, we talked about her award, and how good she felt when she got it, and how wonderful and amazing she is, and I apologized to the boys.  We had a beautiful dinner, where all four of us laughed and listened to each other, and all of us were happy and healthy, and hopefully healed.

At the end of the night, I was reflecting on this episode.  There was a time when I would have gone to bed unable to sleep because of the shame, but that night I thought, "The only way to go from here is forward.  I made amends, now I can learn from this."

I learned that I am going to have at least 10 more years of her exasperated with my inability to understand her.  As she grows in her autonomy, and figures out who she is, I plan to react to her with patience, empathy and love in the future, and not take it personally.  I learned that my children now know how to make amends to their children when they do parenting wrong because I have given them a great example.  I learned that my children are getting great practice in forgiveness, because they so readily forgive me, and that is a gift.  I learned that I really suck as a parent sometimes, sometimes I'm amazing at it, overall I'm real, and I can look at that as a gift to them, too.