How To Ruin Your Child's Best Day

Yelling is bad.  I know this.

Two days ago, Grace was sitting at the breakfast counter in the kitchen after school.  She said, "Oh Mom, last week on Thursday when I was home sick.  I got an IB award.  Mr. _______ gave it to me today."

I kind of knew what an IB award was.  I knew that the school gave out these "I see IB" acknowledgements when they caught kids having behaviors consistent with the school's desired attitudes and attributes.  You know, stuff like, "You were really open minded when you listened to that other point of view".

I asked her "Which teacher gave you the award?"  Mildly annoyed, she curtly replied, "All of them."  I said, "Oh.  What attribute was it for?"  Completely exasperated, she snipped, "ALL OF THEM."  My response, "So... this award is from all the teachers? and for -"  She interrupts, "Yes, Mom." with a, for crying out loud, how slow can you possibly be, tone.  This was the fly that landed on my crap pile of a day.  A day in which I had a fruitless two hour conversation with an unsatisfied client, a day where, because the business was down two employees, I had to turn down multiple clients, a day where Josh wasn't coming home until 8 or 9 pm, after a 14 hour work day, a day where I was stressed out about completing all the end of school year projects, just days away, a moment where, I was trying to make dinner, help another child with their homework and direct children on animal care. And I snapped.

I started screaming about how I was a loving parent, who just happened to be interested in what was going on in her life, and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that (shit), and that I already had been treated like that (shit) by multiple strangers that I didn't love.  (Yes, I said, "shit"), and on, and on I went in my self serving, I'm justified way.

Then she went upstairs and cried.  Then I yelled at all three of them about how I had to clean up all their messes, then Grace said kindly "Mom, should you take some time to cool down?", then I yelled "I AM COOLED DOWN!", then I yelled at Grace, "I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU.  I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!"  then she cried, then I nastily said, "Now you feel justified" because I knew my yelling was wrong, and I knew she knew my yelling was wrong, but I still felt justified, then she said, "No I don't. You have no idea how I feel", then I realized, I was not justified, I was an asshole, and I said, "You're absolutely right.  I'm sorry"

I went outside breathed in the fresh air, took a moment, felt my shame, and walked back into the house renewed.  I got down on my knees in front of Grace on the couch, and I said, with love and repentance, "I am so sorry I did that.  You did not deserve me yelling at you, and I'm sorry I ruined your good news.  I love you so much, and I'm not one bit surprised that you got that award, you're an amazing kid."  She said she needed a minute and went upstairs.

When she came down we talked it out more.  I did more apologizing, we talked about her award, and how good she felt when she got it, and how wonderful and amazing she is, and I apologized to the boys.  We had a beautiful dinner, where all four of us laughed and listened to each other, and all of us were happy and healthy, and hopefully healed.

At the end of the night, I was reflecting on this episode.  There was a time when I would have gone to bed unable to sleep because of the shame, but that night I thought, "The only way to go from here is forward.  I made amends, now I can learn from this."

I learned that I am going to have at least 10 more years of her exasperated with my inability to understand her.  As she grows in her autonomy, and figures out who she is, I plan to react to her with patience, empathy and love in the future, and not take it personally.  I learned that my children now know how to make amends to their children when they do parenting wrong because I have given them a great example.  I learned that my children are getting great practice in forgiveness, because they so readily forgive me, and that is a gift.  I learned that I really suck as a parent sometimes, sometimes I'm amazing at it, overall I'm real, and I can look at that as a gift to them, too.