Shtopping Update: Day 69!

LOL!  I was supposed to do an update yesterday but Mondays are an all-out-race to prep for my evening class and I didn't think I had time to blog, PLUS if I waited until today I would get to make hilarious 69 jokes.

Okay.  That's all I've got.  Just saying "69" is my joke.

Plus, boring post, because here's the update:  still not much news on the Shtopping front.  I thought there would be much more gnashing of teeth, honestly.  Maybe some kind of middle-class drama to share.  My own little eco-stunt.  But no.

Still, in an attempt to find deeper meaning, here's what I've noticed:

I went shopping for a Secret Santa gift downtown this weekend and though they had Many Cute Things that I would have normally bought for myself in addition to the Secret Santa gifts, I was able to not purchase them.  It didn't feel so hard because 1) not having the stress of worrying about money this holiday season feels better than those fingerless mittens would have and 2) I'm getting better at remembering that fingerless mitts don't fix whatever I think they're going to fix.

Plus, I can make myself fingerless mittens.  Just saying.

I've also noticed that I've had to talk a little bit more about my feelings with people, namely poor Eric (proximity sucks, bud).  I had a pretty good bout of sadness and anxiety a few days ago, mostly having to do with existential FOMO on my part.  I choked some of this down by eating an obscene quantity of Thanksgiving leftovers and crying hard in the tub one night (it's possible both of those things happened at once, but we will neverspeakofthatagain).  Unfortunately, the talking about the feelings is the only thing that makes them roar a little quieter.

I'm also a little worried that as this experiment goes on it will get harder and rationalizing myself into purchases will get easier.  I'm worried I might mess up and buy something and let myself down and then have to figure out how to share it with you all.  I would guess this will happen at approximately day 53.  Just my intuition.

This is the perfectionism speaking, of course.  I mean, really.  Who cares if I buy socks with little penguins on them, in the grand scheme of things.  The world will not end.   But I thought I would just put that little bit of anxiety out there, and tell you my intention is for that not to happen, and please God do not let there be any penguin socks in my future.

I have plenty of anxiety to go around if you'd like some of those leftovers.

But also there is misty-eyed gratitude because Thanksgiving dinner was so beautiful, and it snowed yesterday, which was lovely, and Addie whispers her secrets to me at night while she's getting ready for bed, and work is exciting, and Nolie is writing a novel all by herself, and I get to sit and type this in front of my fireplace while the dog snores.

Still, let's be real.  All this gratitude is interspersed with many little freak outs on my part, which I usually use shopping to soothe, but now just use dark chocolate and binge Netflix watching and also some manic crocheting.  I freak out because of all the deadlines and undone Christmas things to do and friends I haven't called and the dogs' nails needing to be clipped, and is there anything worse in the world than that sound?

But the Christmas lights are sooooo pretty!  Gratitude!  Yay!

But I'm putting off working on that one chapter that's late.  And some grading.  What the hell.  Voice of Shite says I'm worthless and a procrastinator.

Also, meditation feels good!  I'm going to go do that and then maybe I'll calm down.

But, seriously.  The grading.

Anyhoo!  This gives you a pretty good snapshot of where I'm at.  Clearly, shtopping is not my biggest problem.

Love you guys,
Me