Shame and Punishment

I was listening to a story about school discipline on This American Life, this weekend, and it really touched home.  A large part of the story was about how minority children are disproportionately punished when compared to their non minority peers.  My children are not minorities, and I'm no expert on race discrimination in the classroom, but the part of the story that rang true for me, was when they talked about the effects of punishment on students, and what that meant for their futures.  The story also talked about the inconsistency in classroom management styles, and the lack of a standard for classroom discipline.

In a previous post I mentioned how much trouble my son had with behavior in school.  I noticed that he wanted so badly to please his teachers, but without clear standards for behavior he was often at a loss.  He was punished repeatedly, the punishment led to feelings of shame, and he began to feel like he was inherently "bad".  Obviously feeling that bad about himself, didn't lead to better behavior.  In fact, it often led to worse behavior.  He lived up to the expectations the adults had for him.  He was the "bad" kid, so he would be "bad". Except he isn't bad, he's an interested, busy, inquisitive, bright, kind, creative, sensitive kid.

In one incident I was called because he and three other boys were throwing rocks at a bee hive.  The bees were disturbed, and as a result, several students were stung.  Thankfully, no one was allergic, and no one was seriously injured.  I was told that my son, "wasn't really the instigator, but he definitely participated".  I was on friendly terms with the school principal, and he asked if I thought it was appropriate for my son to have "jobs" to do for the "next couple of recesses" to demonstrate that he needed to keep himself busy with things that were not harmful to others during recess time.  The principal also asked me to make sure I had my son write apology letters to the children that were stung.  I agreed.

A few days later, I was volunteering at the school, and another parent asked me if I realized that my son had been sitting on the yellow square,( The yellow square was just that, a yellow square painted on the ground next to the building, where students would sit when their behavior was deemed not appropriate, I affectionately called it "the square of shame" or "dunce square"), for the duration of every recess since the incident. Another mother told me how her child (not in my child's class) told her that Lucas was "a really bad kid" because he was always sitting in the yellow square. I became concerned that the principal was not instituting the discipline plan we discussed, but instead shaming my child in front of the school.   I confronted the principal with my concerns, and he said,"Yes, there is an element of shame to the punishment."  I countered, "Then it stops now."  (see parenting post about learning to advocate for my child).

Since that incident, we have moved schools (although, I'm happy to report that new administration at the old school removed the "squares of shame"), and I have become hyper aware of the different kinds of discipline used by different educators.

On the other hand, after years of volunteering in my kids' schools, I have seen classrooms where classroom management is truly lacking, and the students and teacher suffer i.e., children can't focus, because of noise levels, teachers never move beyond reprimanding and redirecting to academics.

Discipline is so essential to the overall feel of the classroom.  It would benefit the students and faculty if all teachers and administrators were on the same page. When Josh and I figured out (after a ridiculously long time of living in the dark), that punishment used in our parenting was causing shame in our children, and not really teaching them self discipline, we sought help and found an amazing resource, (see parenting post).   We learned that kids thrived when they were aware of expectations, have a hand in making decisions, and were empowered to take responsibility for their own behavior.  I have seen classrooms where what I just described was happening for my children, but what would be really wonderful is if that was happening for all children.  If I could, I would drop off a box full of these books to every school in the United States.

In the classroom, it is more than just academics that matter for our children's future.  What they believe about themselves, and their abilities matters, too.