Big Love

Fat is not a bad word, it's an adjective, like thin, tall, short.  I won't make it profane.

I didn't used to know this.  I used to think my worth depended on what the world thought of how I looked.  I used to hate my body, the way I looked, just like many of you probably do.

As a child at night as I prayed for my family, I also prayed I would wake up with blonde hair and blue eyes, instead of the doe like browns I saw in the mirror.  My roll model was Wonder Woman, not because she was strong, but because my dad said she was beautiful.

As a tween, I thought my thighs were too big, and my breasts were too small.

As a teenager, I spent one entire year consuming only Diet Pepsi for lunch because I was sure the worst thing in the world to be was fat.

My adulthood up until about four years ago, was consumed with hate for how I could grab a handful of fat around my stomach, hate for the cellulite and stretch marks I'd collected.

I was wracked with guilt over eating a slice of pizza and drinking a beer.  Forget enjoying them, I could only think about how worthless I was because I didn't "resist".

I've ordered a salad I didn't want because I was sure my dining partners were judging me, and that as Kristin Chirico  put it, I needed to shout, "Hey everyone, don't worry, this situation is being chaperoned by vegetables!"

I've missed out on summers by the pool because I thought I was somehow undeserving of wearing a swimsuit.  I was sure that to expose my flapping arms, and jiggly thighs would somehow be inflicting torture on the other swimmers.

I've shot down touching and heartfelt compliments from my husband, believing there was no way they could be true.  Believing it was a fluke that this man loved and appreciated me.

Then, I met an amazing woman.  A fat woman.  A woman who was unafraid to eat carbs in public.  A woman who told me that I had no obligation to fit any arbitrary beauty standard.  A woman who told me to move my body because it felt good, not to change it.  A woman who told me I could wear, eat, live whatever and however I wanted, unapologetically.  A woman who fed my starving mind with information, who told me about a revolution taking place.  A body positive revolution.

Recently, I got to experience an amazing moment in this body positive revolution. While my daughter and I watched from the sidelines, the woman who helped me free myself from self hate, Amy, stripped down to a bikini in a public market, blindfolded herself and asked people to take a stand for self love by drawing a heart on her beautiful, big body.  Maybe you've seen it, but in case you missed it, here's the lovely video she and Melanie made about it.

Photo by Melanie Folwell

There has been an extraordinary outpouring of support for the video.  It has been written about on many blogs.  Amy's been interviewed multiple times.  So, why am I writing about it?  I'm writing about it because there's a revolution afoot my friends, the revolution is gaining ground, and I want this little soapbox I have to be part of it.

I feel so privileged to have been there that day, to have shakily held Melanie's iPhone as it recorded the event.  The tears still sting in my eyes when I think about the women, men and children who ran to her to get their chance to show how valuable all bodies are.  I feel so privileged that my daughter, while guarding Amy's flip flops and our bags, got to witness the love that is in so many hearts, got to see that other people support the idea that she as a young, growing woman can be proud of her body, whatever it looks like.  I feel so privileged to live in a city that embraced, Amy, this project, and the Body Positive revolution. I feel so lucky to know someone brave enough to make this stand.  And, I feel so honored to have had the opportunity to draw a heart, and fill it with "Big Love", over the big, courageous heart of my friend.

Because of this revolution I love myself.

I love myself as I am today.

I love myself without any changes.

I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm amazing, I know I'm more than what the world thinks of my body.

If you don't already know these things about yourself, I'm telling you, they're true.