Choice

Divorce is happening all around us.  I don't mean in general, I mean that literally all around us, our inner circle, people are getting divorced.  I know this happens everyday, I know everyone will get through it, and lives will get better, but it's strangely upsetting for me.

Josh and I were talking about one of these divorces, and I started to cry.  I was crying for the wife.  I was crying because I identified with her, and it has been painful for me to see how this has all just "happened" to her.  I think it scared me, I started thinking about how I had no control over whether Josh stayed or left, and not having control is a really hard thing for me to accept.

As we talked and the tears continued to fall, Josh reached over and took my hand, looked at me with great compassion and said, slowly and carefully, "Angie.  I will never leave you.  Never."  This statement, as comforting as it should have been at the time, just wasn't.  I said to him, "You don't know that." His reply, "Yes, I do.  I will never leave you."  I didn't react the way he wanted me to, I condescendingly dismissed him, and he said, "It's true.  I will never leave you."  Uncomfortable with the intensity of his stare, I said, "Ok. ok.  Let's just not talk about it."  He dropped the subject and we unpaused the Netflix show we'd been watching before all this big talk started.

I know Josh.  I have loved him for 23 years now.  He proposed to me when he was but a wee lad of eighteen, and could have been having what most other guys his age would have seen as a lot more fun.  He has chosen me. I know that marriage is a choice.  I know enough to know, that when Josh makes a choice, he sticks to it.  He's resolved.  Why then, do I question his clearly heartfelt and truthful profession that he will never leave?  Maybe, my fear is more about whether I will choose it, maybe I have to trust myself.  Maybe, I'm afraid I can't say, "I will never leave you."  Or maybe I don't trust myself enough to know I could handle my shit if he did leave.  I don't know if I could handle him making another choice.  

After a few minutes we started up the stairs for bed, and as I peeked in on my babies, Josh's words were echoing in my head.  "I will never leave you."  And it hit me, there was another guy who said that.  No, not some lost lover, some liar.  God.  All of a sudden, I understood, that it didn't matter if Josh held true to his word, (although, I really believe he will), because He will never leave me.  I have no control, it's true, but I know that no matter what ends up happening in my life, I will be ok.  My children will be ok, because He will never leave me.

I know not everyone believes.  And for those of you who don't this probably won't make you feel any better, but there's something, something bigger for everyone to hold on to.  Somewhere inside you know that there is peace even when something scary or awful comes at you without you having any control. I guess that's my secular point.  Storms can be weathered, and even when big scary things happen, if you seek it out, you will find normalcy and peace.