Know It All

Luke's been dealing with some horrid anxiety as of late.  He's been having full on panic attacks about school work.  He keeps saying that he knows it's only going to get harder, and he freaks about stuff way in the future.

I've been trying to help him by telling him to focus on the moment.  We've been youtubing meditations for anxiety, and practicing our yoga breathing all in an effort to help him find peace.

Mostly though, I've just been telling him to change his mind.  To get in control of it and make the switch when he's feeling anxious.

Grace told me what a crock of shit that was in her usual kind, gentle and wise beyond her years way.

She said, "I don't know, mom.  When I'm having an anxiety attack, I can't just tell myself.  'Grace, take some deep breaths.'"

Did I listen to her?  No.  Well, that's not entirely accurate.  I did listen to her, and I did hear what she was saying, but I thought she was mostly wrong.  Not entirely wrong because I asked him if it would help if his teacher reminded him to breathe, but mostly wrong.

Then today, I felt blue.  Blue for lots of good reasons, but really, really blue.  I also felt a little anxious.  The last thing I wanted to do was meditate, or deep breathe, and I sure as hell couldn't just think on the bright side.

What I did do was eat a cold piece of fried chicken, drink a cup of hot cocoa followed by three mini candy bars, stay in my jammies while I worked, and wallow in the sad, anxious feelings.  And I think that was ok.

I obviously don't have the answers.  Normally I think I do, but I don't.

One of the things I told Luke when he was in the middle of this feeling was that he was allowed to feel whatever he was feeling, but I don't think I really thought he was.

I do now.  I'm going to let him feel whatever he's feeling, and I'm going to feel whatever I'm feeling, and if we find some answers after that, great.  If not we'll keep feeling it.