Sore Loser

A couple of weeks ago, I was at an ugly sweater/white elephant Christmas party with a group of people I really enjoy hanging out with.  At parties with these people we usually pull out some kind of game; board, card, dice or otherwise.  After we had some great food, voted on who had the best ugly Christmas sweater, and our drinks were full we sat down, and someone pulled out a game, I remarked to one of the women, something along the lines of, "...you know I'm not really competitive."  At this remark, she smiled sweetly, patted me on the arm and said, "Ang, I've played games with you.  I know you say you're not competitive, but you're really, really competitive."  That remark, kind and intended to help me see myself as I am... ROCKED MY WORLD.  It got me thinking about how I see myself, how I want others to see me, and how I really am.  And after reflecting on it for a couple of weeks, I've realized I'm a winaholic.  Just for this party I had spent hours on both Josh and my sweaters and accessories, and white elephant gifts in an effort to win the party.  (I did win the sweater competition).

Hi my name is Angie, and I hate to lose.

As a teenager, I fell in love with the 60s counter culture movement.  Make love not war kind of kumbaya stuff.  Maybe it was the influence of my dad's favorite rock bands, maybe it was the Wonder Years, something told me that I was a hippy at heart.  And this is the idea of myself I've grown into adulthood with.  And hippies aren't winaholics.  On an intellectual level, I hate competition.  I feel like it's so counterproductive to humanity.  That it keeps us from working together, and having each other's interests at heart.  For crying out loud, my specialty in my communication undergrad degree is dispute resolution, I served a mediation internship for cripes sake.  And although, I've tried hard to put the perception out there, that I am a peaceful, loving, caring individual who is truly concerned for the needs of others, there is obviously a dark side of me that wants other people to lose.  And this dark Angie has got me in some serious trouble.

At 21 Josh and I went to a Halloween party at a friend's house, and I drank myself near to alcohol poisoning, just because I wanted to win a drinking competition with a man I'd never met.  I have vague recollections of shots lined up on the kitchen island, slamming my hand on the counter, yelling, "Come on bitch!".  Granted, I learned more than one valuable lesson from that act of stupidity, but it was not that I am competitive.  How is that possible you might ask?

I think it's because I've never liked competitive sports, and I associated competitive sports with being competitive.  And now I realize that I probably never liked competitive sports because with bad balance, and a propensity for dropping things, I really, really sucked at them, and I didn't want to lose!!

Right now, I'm coming to the realization that I write a blog post, after Jen writes a blog post, and it's because I don't want to lose the blogging game.  (Although, I know I totally am because Jen's blog posts are so well written, insightful, vulnerable and amazing.)

I want to win at the mother game, at the awesome wife game, the best friend game, the coolest sister game, the best cook game, the favorite aunt game, the funniest fb post game, the successful business woman game.  I am constantly in a competition no one else knows is going on.  Now, the question is how do I stop it?  Or do I even want to stop it?  Do I really not like competing, or do I just not like losing?

Maybe, just maybe I've spent so long denying my competitive nature, and judging the competitiveness of others because I can't handle losing.  Maybe I need to find a way to be ok, with a little healthy competitive attitude rather than despairing at this part of me that is not exactly as I'd like it to be.  Maybe I really do hate competition, but the competition I hate is inside me.

I can't deny that girl in me, who knows that making love not war is the answer, but I don't know how to unbecome the hypocrite that I became.  Maybe, there's a self help book on that.  I guess at least I'm gaining some points in the self discovery game.