Why can't this be Enough?

I posted a few days ago about the email conversation I had with my sister regarding her new found roll as SAHM, and I've been thinking about other conversations I've had with SAHMs and Dads, and about my sister's struggle with her choice to stay at home, and put on break, her career as a civil engineer.  I was a SAHM for 4 years before we opened a business.  During those 4 years I felt very unappreciated by the people in my life.  Particularly the people who went off to jobs everyday.  I also perceived that people I loved and admired saw me as a traitor to my feminist ideals (whether that perception was based in truth or in my own struggle, I'm still not sure), and I felt much the same way.  I did feel like a hypocrite telling my daughter that she could be or do anything, telling my sons that they're future lives and families, (if they chose to have them), didn't have to be defined by typical gender roles, and then living a life where their parents lived extraordinarily typical gender roles.  I was troubled by what I saw as the duplicity of my situation.

Then one day, after we started the business, and I was trying to do the balancing act, I was at a playgroup.  This wonderful playgroup was filled with amazing, interesting, feminist, stay at home mothers and a father.  I was complaining about how difficult I found it to balance the business and the mothering, and how the mothering always ended up winning out in my priority list, when one of these amazing women said to me, "Why can't this be enough?"  I didn't understand what she meant, she elaborated, "This.  Being a mom, making the dinner, making sure everything gets done, baking pies.  Why can't this be enough?"  And I realized just how profound she was... because it is enough.  I understood in that moment, that there was no duplicity in calling myself a feminist and staying home with my children.  There was no shame in using all of my talent, intellectual and otherwise in the rearing of my children and the keeping of my home.  I CHOSE to be a SAHM, and isn't that exactly what a feminist would do?  Choose her own future, her own life, her own happiness.  Yes!  This is enough!  And my conversation with my sister really got me thinking about this.  She felt she had to validate her status as SAHM, when what she was already doing was enough.  Here's a snipit of my reply to her email. Warning, I use strong language with my sisters.

"The SAHM you're talking about doesn't exist.  These stupid people with their stupid blogs, and facebook pages are full of shit.  You would be surprised how many special memories you're creating with your kids, even your routines are creating special memories with them.  Going to the library, swimming lessons, watching special movies together during nap time.  You are creating special memories!!!!  This is another case of your expectations ruining what's already good.  You're an awesome mom, and your kids love being with you.  Some of my best memories are of helping mom in the kitchen, or my kids helping do the dishes, or playing on the floor, or in the backyard pool.  The little moments are the special memories.   And it is that hard!  It's really hard to stay home, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do, and as far as responsibility, you do have responsibility, that's why it's so hard.  You are completely responsible for two little people.  There's no daycare to blame when your kids is acting like an asshole, or no friend from daycare to blame when your kid picks up bad habits.  When you're home, you become painfully aware of how every decision you make affects every aspect of their lives, and that makes it so much harder to take care of them.  And you have no time to think about how you react.  I know that all too well, feeling so much pressure to get it right, and not really being sure how to go about that, and worst of all, no matter how hard you try, no one praises you!!  And it can be boring and lonely...stressful, boring and lonely.  I remember that all too well."

And that is what staying at home feels like, and that is enough.  That is enough of a challenge for a feminist, that is enough of a challenge for anyone.

Unless of course, it isn't.  And by that, I mean, unless it's not what you choose.  I want to respect someone else's choice not to stay at home and still to be a great mother and feminist, as much as I want them to respect my choice to stay at home and be a great mother and feminist.  I want the people around me to realize that staying home is absolutely enough.  Running a household is enough. Giving up my career because I want to be home with my kids is enough!  And it doesn't have to be perfect.  It can be enough without living up to the expectations of other people.  I can be a SAHM and have a dirty house, or order take out for dinner, I can do it my way, and it's enough.

The lesson here of course is more about looking for fulfillment inside, instead of in the approval of those surrounding you, but it also would be nice if the people in a SAHM or Dad's life would give the job a little credit, would realize that it is enough.  Until then, we can look at our lives with the satisfaction of knowing that it is what we choose, it is hard, it is rewarding and it is enough.